Its Cancer

 I started this in November but every time I went to write it was just too hard...

Its cancer....the words no one wants to hear...the words we hear two months ago on my mom.  My mom the matriarch of our family is now in the battle of her life.  I still remember getting the news, I was in the middle of decorating a wedding cake.  I remember yelling, screaming, crying, screaming, crying and crying more. I have had up and down roller coaster ride of emotions and continue to have them.  So now we wait...we wait...we wait to see what kind, we wait to see where exactly it is, we wait to see what kind of treatment she will have...All this waiting is very hard.  I know that God is in charge and all this is his Will.  That is what is hard.  Our will is that Mom survives, that she beats this, and we have her for years to come.  But we have Faith that God is the great physician, he has his hands of healing in this and I know we will have struggles but we can and will get through this.

Now today...I have always heard that parents never want to see their children suffer, I have to say that it goes the other way too.  It is so hard to watch my mom and my dad through this process. I have tried to go to all the appointments even though there have been some I have had to miss.  The first appointment after diagnoses was to see the Surgeon.  She talked to us about what kinds of cancer mom had.  She has two different kinds in her left breast.  It took my breath away when I heard it.  At this appointment they felt it was just in her breast, that it has not spread to any other places.  The Dr. talked to her/us about what she thought was needed.  It was recommended that she have a mastectomy, and removal of lymph nodes up to 5.  Mom elected to have a bi-lateral mastectomy which gets both sides.  It was tentatively scheduled for November 12.  She will need to meet with Heart Doctor to make sure her hearth was healthy enough for surgery.  After getting all the clearances needed on November 12th we took her in to have surgery.  This surgery was supposed to be day surgery(who knew) but the doctor for some reason a day or two before decided to keep her for 23 hour observation. While she was in surgery the support of the Church was unbelievable.  There were at times 20 people sitting with us, praying with us, and just supporting us. It was a bit overwhelming, to the point I just went and sat in a corner and while I was part of conversations I was NOT in the middle of it all. Her surgery went well, the doctor removed both breast and 5 lymph nodes.  She came out and told us it went well, however she felt the cancer was in the lymph nodes since  they were all "hot".  The radioactive and dye like to go through body and find cancer cells.  We came out of waiting room, knowing it was in lymph system so it was indeed far worse than thought.   We had decided that I would stay the night in the hospital with mom.  She didn't want me to but I wasn't going to leave her alone.  It was a good thing, that first night she gave us all a HUGE scare.  Her blood pressure went so high we almost lost her.  The highest it was was 221/46 her oxygen level was down in the 70's.  They quickly put her on oxygen and started pumping iv heart medicine in her.  That first night was touch and go, they came in every hour to check it and it never did go down.  I got up with her every time someone came into the room, I fed her ice chips and Popsicles.  It was quite scary, I almost lost my mom that night.  I would see her go back to sleep and I would just cry as quietly as I could. If I got too bad I would step out to the hallway and get myself under control and come back and lay down.  I did  not get much sleep that night. The next day she had so many visitors.  So many wanted to show  their love and support for us.  I had told the nurses she would be the "popular" one on the floor.  Boy I wasn't kidding.  We had to ask that visitors not come on Thursday so she could rest. Only immediate family came by on Thursday. I was exhausted..I had spend Tuesday and Wednesday nights in hospital.  Julie decided she would stay Thursday night, I came and relieved her Friday morning so she could go to work.  We did not leave mom unattended for anymore than 30 mins that entire week.  Thank goodness for great friends who would come and let us have a break from the hospital so we could go and eat, shower, nap..Julie decided to stay again on Friday night, I was running on fumes still.  The doctors decided to let mom go home on Saturday since they could not figure out why her blood pressure was the way it was.  They had hoped it would go down once we got her home.  Mom got home Saturday at noon.  She spent most of the day sitting in her chair with a heating pad.  Her back was hurting from all the sitting and laying she had been doing for 5 days.

We are now at a month since surgery.  Mom had her port put in and 11 more lymph nodes taken out.  She has had bone scans, a Muga heart scan, and 2 CT scans to see if the cancer was anywhere else.  All the test have now come back and 3 of the 16 lymph nodes taken out are positive for cancer, her Muga heart scan was not good and normal range is 50% and hers was 40% for heart damage so that will have to be retested through out chemo to make sure the medicines are not hurting it more. 

She started her first round of Chemo last Monday, December 10th.  The first one took about 6 hours.  It was a long and exhausting day at the clinic.   She made it until Friday without being sick, she has been battling diarrhea and nausea since then.  She has lost close to 30 pounds as of this morning.  Her appetite is slim to none and we are almost having to force her to eat.  It is so hard seeing mom like this.  My sister just text me as mom was starting round 2 that mom's hair is beginning to fall out.  I know they tell us it will, but there is nothing that can prepare you for it.  I bought mom a wig and several hats to wear.  I will get more as I can, and as she wants.

I am super jealous of the love and support and groups that mom and Julie have nearby them.  They have had friends that have gone through this, they have a great hospital near  by that has support groups, and here we have NOTHING, and I mean that...When I asked the hospital they told me, everyone has to go out of town for therapy so there not a "need"...What are they crazy, just because they have to drive over an hour to get therapy doesn't mean there isn't a need.  There is a need, and they are being blind  over it.  I was told to start my own support group.  I am still praying over that one.  Right now my focus is helping mom, dad and Jul out when I can.  I would love to be there more but being 2 hours away, I can't always be there like I would like.  I have a family I have to take care of here too.  Its Dalton and DW Senior year and I really have been trying to be at their activities.  I have major cake orders for this week, and have slowed my cake business down to hardly nothing during this time.

I hope to start blogging more on this as we progress though treatment.  I hope it will help me to get my feelings out and on paper..Say an extra prayer for us.

God Bless,
Jenny

Let me be willing to be willing

 Let me start by saying, I started this blog entry back in February, and I am just now able to put my words down like I want them.
Let me be willing to be willing...
Wow what a statement. I was given this statement for me to ponder on in my "Prayer circle".  Think about this..Let me be willing to be willing.
How many times do we do things that we really do not want do so therefore we do it begrudgingly. Sure we do it but don't enjoy it one bit.
This statement could be used in so may ways...I am using it now as a life statement. Lord, let me willing to be willing to do.......to be......to lead......to follow....
Right now, I feel my struggle is being a wife.  I want to be the best wife I can be for my husband. I struggle with this a lot.  I want to be my own person but at the same time, once you are married, you are a wife, a mother, a...this...a...that...you wear many hats.    

So my thought process has been "Lord let me willing to be willing" If I am wanting to be a better wife, and a better mother, I have to be willing to do things when I don't want to, or have no desire to.   I have to change my mind set, to block out the "I don't want to" to "I am willing, please help"

Now, as I have thought about this since February, I see how much more things in my life that I need to put this into place.  Its crazy, when you have a happy and open heart about stuff, things good happen.  You see changes all around you.  You see changes in YOU! How awesome is that?? Think about it, if you change how you feel about things, the people around will change too.  You encourage them, you bring your open heart, you "be the one willing" and others will follow in your footsteps.  
How can you change whats around you with a change of heart?With a change of mind? What changes are you going to make? I challenge you, become willing to change..Let me know how it goes...

To the world you are one person, to one person you are the world..
Jen

Summer Movie List

This list is just a list for record of what movies I have watched  since school got out in May.  Some movies we have watched as a family some I have just watched since I am not sure why ratings are the way they are.
I do not have one kind of movie I prefer.  I like horror, shoot em up movies with high body counts, to love movies.  I am not out to see every movie in the red box but I want to see the movies that look appealing to me. So this list starts...
 

1. Mama
2. Superman Man of Steel
3. Star Trek
4. Hanzel and Gretel Witch Hunters
5. Cloud Atlas
6. Warm Bodies
7. Zero Dark Thirty
8. The Lone Ranger
9. The Bourne Identity
10. The Bourne Supremacy
11. The Bourne Ultimatum
12. World War Z 
13. Wolverine 
14. Identity Thief
15. Snitch
16. Safe Haven 
17.Last Stand
18.The Host
19.Gangster Squad 
20. Parental Guidence
21.Silver Linings Playbook
22.Django
23.Argo 
24. Black Hawk Down
25. Aliens in the Attic
26.Conjuring
27. Mask 



 I am not going to give a review on each movie unless its not worth your $1.20 I will be added to the list as the summer goes on.  I have about 30 movies I would like to see, some in theaters and some on redbox....Keep checking back to see what I have added.

52 week Money Challenge

This all started yesterday while I was looking around Pinterest.  I came upon a picture of a jar with money and a list in it.  I thought ok wonder what this is about.  It lead me to a website. . http://stuckathomemom.com/52-week-money-challenge/the-52-week-money-challenge-you-game/   I decided that this might be a fun way for Dennis and I to save up for our 10th year anniversary.  Its pretty simple really...you can print off the paper and just follow it..here is the link for this paper http://stuckathomemom.com/52-week-money-challenge/the-52-week-money-challenge-52weekmoneychallenge/
Its pretty simple...you start with a dollar a week and each week increase it by a dollar...at the end of the 52 weeks you will have saved $1,378.00.  Notice this says a week, not a day...so on your biggest week it is only 52.00 for the week.  If you wanted to make it more then make it more.  I am going to put into a "special trip" cup, and once a week go and make a deposit in a saving account.

Now we are starting this so we can go on a big trip.  We love going on cruises.  So my goal is to save all of this so that we can go and have a great time. That we can still live on paycheck to paycheck but know that in 3 years we can go and take another trip of a lifetime.

So who is with me? Are you ready to start saving a little at time...What are you going to save for? Well what are you waiting for?
Jen

Words to think about

This weekend I was trying to catch up on some of my reading.  I had ordered Readers Digest a month or so ago and had been waiting for them to come in.  Oh they came in alright, 4 of them within days of each other.  In the first one I read I came across this:

Book me A Room in Upstarted

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone- you have to be in Cahoots with someone.  I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.  I have, however been in Sane. You have to be driven there and I've made several trips, thanks to friends, family and work.  I'd like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not much into physical activity anymore.  I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.  I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.  Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I get older.  One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and the old heart pumping!  And sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me I am not.  I have been in Deepdoodoo frequently.  And the more adventurous I get, the easier it is to end up there.Source: plantproctor.com

It gave me such a chuckle that I just had to share it with all of you. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in life that we  need to stop and laugh. We need stop and remind ourselves that God is in charge and that he has a sense of humor.  So we must continue to also have one.  Good days, bad days sometimes the first thing we forget about is to laugh...Laugh to our hearts content. Laugh like there is no tomorrow.  Laugh so much that others will wonder what your up to. Laugh Laugh Laugh!

God Bless~

Jen

To the world you may only be one person, to one person you may be the world

Mandala

Mandala is a Sanskrit word meaning "circle." Have you ever looked at things in life that are "circled".   Many societies have used them in different ways.  From the Mayans using one for their calendar, the Buddhism, the Hindus, Christians.  Did you know that the crown of thorns is considered one of the most sacred Mandalas? I had no idea how many  are used in both religion or personal.  God has put so many things in our world that we tend to forget should be sacred. 

Well on my retreat several weeks ago we talked about sacred mandala's.  We had to draw our own. Then explain to the group what made it "ours" what made it sacred to us? Here is mine...

 

The pink ring is my life as a daughter, the purple ring is my life as a sister, the yellow is my life as a wife, the blue ring is my life as a mother, the vines represent the many roads both good and bad I have traveled in my life, all these things blend together and end at the cross and heart where I am FORGIVEN!

I have decided I have a new found love for mandalas in every aspect of my life.  Nature has some beautiful ones, my spiritual life has them.  I have photographed some in nature. For example:

These are just a few of the pictures I have taken of mandala's.  My eyes look for them all over the place all of the time.  Sometimes I ache for my camera to just be attached to my hip because I just never know when I find one and want have to take a picture of one!

I have even inspired to draw several that are still in the sketching stage, and found one on the internet that I have colored. That is below

I have  never really thought of myself as a photographer or that great of an artist. However God has revealed in my that I am.  I have several pictures I will be printing off to frame for my hallway.  I am going to wrap myself in the the sacred circle.  One wall I will have my crosses and one wall I will have my circles.

So what does really mean? For me its to help me stay focused.  To live inside my circle where God has surrounded my heart and my soul.  To allow others to see inside my circle so they can want  what I have. That I can become a beacon in Spirituality and in my closeness to God, and remind them its not about "Religion" its about your personal relationship with God.

God Bless, Jen

To the world you may only be one person, to one person you may be the world

 

 

What does the word butterfly mean? Dictionary.com says

butterfly

   [buht-er-flahy] Show IPA noun, plural but·ter·flies, verb, but·ter·flied, but·ter·fly·ing, adjective

noun

1.

any of numerous diurnal insects of the order Lepidoptera, characterized by clubbed antennae, a slender body, and large, broad, often conspicuously marked wings.

 

What it doesn't say is that is comes from a caterpillar that makes a cocoon and when it hatches its now a butterfly.

 

I know you are reading this wondering what I am going to talk about.  I will get there just bear with me :)

 

I went to retreat this weekend.  At this retreat I hear God speak very clearly to me.  That this weekend was my weekend as a butterfly.  I started out as a small ugly caterpillar and when I awoke from my slumber in the desert I was a beautiful butterfly. After I awoke any time I was questioning what I was dealing with a butterfly would come into my sight. 

A butterfly is thought to be the sign of a new beginning.   I feel I have a new beginning now.  As place that will take me deeper in my spiritual life than I have ever been before.

 

I am ready to spread my new wings and fly.  I cant wait to see what the Lord has planned for me. Is it a new relationship with my family/my friends? Is it a new relationship with anyone? Or is it just a new loving relationship with God? While I do think its that I am pretty sure that is both of these things. 

I just know that I will sit with my mouth closed, my ears opened, and my heart opened to receive what he has to tell me.

How about you? Are you ready to take the next BIG step in your life??

I know I am ready and this past retreat has taken me to a deeper level than ANY other retreat I have gone on.  This was not ACTS, this was not Highland Lakes.  This was a Pathway.   A pathway that He has had planned for me before I was born. I just haven't wanted to listen in the quietness of my heart to hear until now.

 

Lord, make me what you want me to be.  Let your Love shine through me to others so they may see you and your love in me. Help me be a better daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend.  Help me remember that I will be taken take of, that I can ask for help, and that there is no other place I need to be than where I am right now! Amen...