Its Cancer

 I started this in November but every time I went to write it was just too hard...

Its cancer....the words no one wants to hear...the words we hear two months ago on my mom.  My mom the matriarch of our family is now in the battle of her life.  I still remember getting the news, I was in the middle of decorating a wedding cake.  I remember yelling, screaming, crying, screaming, crying and crying more. I have had up and down roller coaster ride of emotions and continue to have them.  So now we wait...we wait...we wait to see what kind, we wait to see where exactly it is, we wait to see what kind of treatment she will have...All this waiting is very hard.  I know that God is in charge and all this is his Will.  That is what is hard.  Our will is that Mom survives, that she beats this, and we have her for years to come.  But we have Faith that God is the great physician, he has his hands of healing in this and I know we will have struggles but we can and will get through this.

Now today...I have always heard that parents never want to see their children suffer, I have to say that it goes the other way too.  It is so hard to watch my mom and my dad through this process. I have tried to go to all the appointments even though there have been some I have had to miss.  The first appointment after diagnoses was to see the Surgeon.  She talked to us about what kinds of cancer mom had.  She has two different kinds in her left breast.  It took my breath away when I heard it.  At this appointment they felt it was just in her breast, that it has not spread to any other places.  The Dr. talked to her/us about what she thought was needed.  It was recommended that she have a mastectomy, and removal of lymph nodes up to 5.  Mom elected to have a bi-lateral mastectomy which gets both sides.  It was tentatively scheduled for November 12.  She will need to meet with Heart Doctor to make sure her hearth was healthy enough for surgery.  After getting all the clearances needed on November 12th we took her in to have surgery.  This surgery was supposed to be day surgery(who knew) but the doctor for some reason a day or two before decided to keep her for 23 hour observation. While she was in surgery the support of the Church was unbelievable.  There were at times 20 people sitting with us, praying with us, and just supporting us. It was a bit overwhelming, to the point I just went and sat in a corner and while I was part of conversations I was NOT in the middle of it all. Her surgery went well, the doctor removed both breast and 5 lymph nodes.  She came out and told us it went well, however she felt the cancer was in the lymph nodes since  they were all "hot".  The radioactive and dye like to go through body and find cancer cells.  We came out of waiting room, knowing it was in lymph system so it was indeed far worse than thought.   We had decided that I would stay the night in the hospital with mom.  She didn't want me to but I wasn't going to leave her alone.  It was a good thing, that first night she gave us all a HUGE scare.  Her blood pressure went so high we almost lost her.  The highest it was was 221/46 her oxygen level was down in the 70's.  They quickly put her on oxygen and started pumping iv heart medicine in her.  That first night was touch and go, they came in every hour to check it and it never did go down.  I got up with her every time someone came into the room, I fed her ice chips and Popsicles.  It was quite scary, I almost lost my mom that night.  I would see her go back to sleep and I would just cry as quietly as I could. If I got too bad I would step out to the hallway and get myself under control and come back and lay down.  I did  not get much sleep that night. The next day she had so many visitors.  So many wanted to show  their love and support for us.  I had told the nurses she would be the "popular" one on the floor.  Boy I wasn't kidding.  We had to ask that visitors not come on Thursday so she could rest. Only immediate family came by on Thursday. I was exhausted..I had spend Tuesday and Wednesday nights in hospital.  Julie decided she would stay Thursday night, I came and relieved her Friday morning so she could go to work.  We did not leave mom unattended for anymore than 30 mins that entire week.  Thank goodness for great friends who would come and let us have a break from the hospital so we could go and eat, shower, nap..Julie decided to stay again on Friday night, I was running on fumes still.  The doctors decided to let mom go home on Saturday since they could not figure out why her blood pressure was the way it was.  They had hoped it would go down once we got her home.  Mom got home Saturday at noon.  She spent most of the day sitting in her chair with a heating pad.  Her back was hurting from all the sitting and laying she had been doing for 5 days.

We are now at a month since surgery.  Mom had her port put in and 11 more lymph nodes taken out.  She has had bone scans, a Muga heart scan, and 2 CT scans to see if the cancer was anywhere else.  All the test have now come back and 3 of the 16 lymph nodes taken out are positive for cancer, her Muga heart scan was not good and normal range is 50% and hers was 40% for heart damage so that will have to be retested through out chemo to make sure the medicines are not hurting it more. 

She started her first round of Chemo last Monday, December 10th.  The first one took about 6 hours.  It was a long and exhausting day at the clinic.   She made it until Friday without being sick, she has been battling diarrhea and nausea since then.  She has lost close to 30 pounds as of this morning.  Her appetite is slim to none and we are almost having to force her to eat.  It is so hard seeing mom like this.  My sister just text me as mom was starting round 2 that mom's hair is beginning to fall out.  I know they tell us it will, but there is nothing that can prepare you for it.  I bought mom a wig and several hats to wear.  I will get more as I can, and as she wants.

I am super jealous of the love and support and groups that mom and Julie have nearby them.  They have had friends that have gone through this, they have a great hospital near  by that has support groups, and here we have NOTHING, and I mean that...When I asked the hospital they told me, everyone has to go out of town for therapy so there not a "need"...What are they crazy, just because they have to drive over an hour to get therapy doesn't mean there isn't a need.  There is a need, and they are being blind  over it.  I was told to start my own support group.  I am still praying over that one.  Right now my focus is helping mom, dad and Jul out when I can.  I would love to be there more but being 2 hours away, I can't always be there like I would like.  I have a family I have to take care of here too.  Its Dalton and DW Senior year and I really have been trying to be at their activities.  I have major cake orders for this week, and have slowed my cake business down to hardly nothing during this time.

I hope to start blogging more on this as we progress though treatment.  I hope it will help me to get my feelings out and on paper..Say an extra prayer for us.

God Bless,
Jenny

Let me be willing to be willing

 Let me start by saying, I started this blog entry back in February, and I am just now able to put my words down like I want them.
Let me be willing to be willing...
Wow what a statement. I was given this statement for me to ponder on in my "Prayer circle".  Think about this..Let me be willing to be willing.
How many times do we do things that we really do not want do so therefore we do it begrudgingly. Sure we do it but don't enjoy it one bit.
This statement could be used in so may ways...I am using it now as a life statement. Lord, let me willing to be willing to do.......to be......to lead......to follow....
Right now, I feel my struggle is being a wife.  I want to be the best wife I can be for my husband. I struggle with this a lot.  I want to be my own person but at the same time, once you are married, you are a wife, a mother, a...this...a...that...you wear many hats.    

So my thought process has been "Lord let me willing to be willing" If I am wanting to be a better wife, and a better mother, I have to be willing to do things when I don't want to, or have no desire to.   I have to change my mind set, to block out the "I don't want to" to "I am willing, please help"

Now, as I have thought about this since February, I see how much more things in my life that I need to put this into place.  Its crazy, when you have a happy and open heart about stuff, things good happen.  You see changes all around you.  You see changes in YOU! How awesome is that?? Think about it, if you change how you feel about things, the people around will change too.  You encourage them, you bring your open heart, you "be the one willing" and others will follow in your footsteps.  
How can you change whats around you with a change of heart?With a change of mind? What changes are you going to make? I challenge you, become willing to change..Let me know how it goes...

To the world you are one person, to one person you are the world..
Jen

Summer Movie List

This list is just a list for record of what movies I have watched  since school got out in May.  Some movies we have watched as a family some I have just watched since I am not sure why ratings are the way they are.
I do not have one kind of movie I prefer.  I like horror, shoot em up movies with high body counts, to love movies.  I am not out to see every movie in the red box but I want to see the movies that look appealing to me. So this list starts...
 

1. Mama
2. Superman Man of Steel
3. Star Trek
4. Hanzel and Gretel Witch Hunters
5. Cloud Atlas
6. Warm Bodies
7. Zero Dark Thirty
8. The Lone Ranger
9. The Bourne Identity
10. The Bourne Supremacy
11. The Bourne Ultimatum
12. World War Z 
13. Wolverine 
14. Identity Thief
15. Snitch
16. Safe Haven 
17.Last Stand
18.The Host
19.Gangster Squad 
20. Parental Guidence
21.Silver Linings Playbook
22.Django
23.Argo 
24. Black Hawk Down
25. Aliens in the Attic
26.Conjuring
27. Mask 



 I am not going to give a review on each movie unless its not worth your $1.20 I will be added to the list as the summer goes on.  I have about 30 movies I would like to see, some in theaters and some on redbox....Keep checking back to see what I have added.

52 week Money Challenge

This all started yesterday while I was looking around Pinterest.  I came upon a picture of a jar with money and a list in it.  I thought ok wonder what this is about.  It lead me to a website. . http://stuckathomemom.com/52-week-money-challenge/the-52-week-money-challenge-you-game/   I decided that this might be a fun way for Dennis and I to save up for our 10th year anniversary.  Its pretty simple really...you can print off the paper and just follow it..here is the link for this paper http://stuckathomemom.com/52-week-money-challenge/the-52-week-money-challenge-52weekmoneychallenge/
Its pretty simple...you start with a dollar a week and each week increase it by a dollar...at the end of the 52 weeks you will have saved $1,378.00.  Notice this says a week, not a day...so on your biggest week it is only 52.00 for the week.  If you wanted to make it more then make it more.  I am going to put into a "special trip" cup, and once a week go and make a deposit in a saving account.

Now we are starting this so we can go on a big trip.  We love going on cruises.  So my goal is to save all of this so that we can go and have a great time. That we can still live on paycheck to paycheck but know that in 3 years we can go and take another trip of a lifetime.

So who is with me? Are you ready to start saving a little at time...What are you going to save for? Well what are you waiting for?
Jen