Its a Slouchy Sock Kind of Day!

You remember those slouchy socks don't you?  Those socks we wore back in the 90's.  When we were teenagers and didn't have a care in the world.  When our parents did stuff for us? That our only responsibility was who's house we were going, what our best friends were doing?  How our football team was doing?  Who was meeting who and where. Meeting up with friends to just "hang out at the mall" and not cause any trouble. 
I know I know I am going back in time, sometimes as a parent I sometimes wish I could go back to when I was a teen when I didn't have a care in the world.  Being a parent is the HARDEST job I have ever done.  We try so hard to make sure we are raising our children the right way and bam we hit the wall of real life.  This wall is when we must let go and let our children fail, let our children fall and let them humble themselves to ask for help.  It is by far the hardest thing we have to do as parents.  I am telling you  its not fun at all.  I have spent many days praying, crying, praying and crying while my children grow and attempt to fall into the "Real world". 
I also pray and cry for forgiveness with my own parents, saying how sorry I am that I did this to them! I am truly sorry for the hell I gave my parents. The guilt I put on myself over my actions to them is a very hard thing to forgive myself about.  I am working on this.  I am trying to forgive myself as my Lord has forgiven me.

I do have hope though.  When I look back at my life my parents instilled in my Christian background.  That even if I wasn't there in spirit I was there physically every time that church door was unlock my parents had us there.  I know I faltered between going and not going.  Getting away from my personal relationship with God that I had as a little girl.  In fact its only been in the last 10 years that I really "got back into church" and really tried to change my life around.  I don't know where I would have ended up while I was going through my divorce and getting clean and sober had it not been for my church family.  I don't know where anyone can get through those things with the LOVE of God.  I might have been in my deepest valley but I always had hope. I have now been drug free for 8 years.  I am now realising that I have control over my drinking.  While I may have an occasional drink I no long reach for the bottle when life throws me a curve ball. I can say that I have come along way with that.  I used to use drugs and drinking to cover up the pain and suffering I was causing in my own life.  God has sent me people in my life that when I am sinking low I can call them for prayerful support, people who know my struggle who lift me up when they know the darkness has surrounded me.  That they bring Light to my life.  I am very thankful for my Hubby Dennis.  He knows when he just needs to let me cry, when he just needs to sit and listen, and when I need his strong arms around me to let me know it will be OK.  He is my rock when I am sinking.  I love him for that.
So what does all this have to do with slouchy socks?  Its just sometimes when life gets tough  and I want to run away and get lost the past, I often think of old style clothes and today I put on my slouchy socks to help me remember I am a daughter, wife and mom. That no matter how bad life is at this very moment it is where I am supposed to be.  That all those times wearing those slouchy socks made me the woman I am now. 
Jenny
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world

Separation of Church and State

Last night was one of those nights.  I went to a women's meeting at church , had a great supper and met a great missionary.  Everything had been going just fine until they handed out these little envelopes.  I don't know about anyone else getting upset over them but I sure was.  I understand that everyone has their own views about Obama and about abortion.  I am OK with the fact that you and I can agree to disagree.  What I do have a problem with is that when I am at a church function you should not "tell" me that I need to do this because this is the only way something can be right...Don't ask me to donate to a cause if you don't know where I stand on it.
So last night I get this envelope...in this envelope is a paper asking for my donation against abortion. You know the spill millions....etc.... and while I am personally pro life I am also pro-choice.  I think everyone should have the right to make their own decisions.  Its not my choice or the governments choice on what I can or cant have or do...If I choose it then I have to live with the consequences of my choice.  I feel this way on most things.  I don't want my "right" to be taken away.  I don't want "big brother" standing over me saying what you are feeling is wrong you MUST do it this way.  I also don't want someone telling me how that they hate "government leaders" while I am at church.  Let me say while I am not happy with Obama and his administration  I will NOT tell you you were wrong to vote for him, that the beliefs you have are wrong. I can tell you that I might bring up politics at my home with someone but NEVER would I use church as my platform.  This country was founded on level of separation.  I can only hope it will stay that way.

  The Bible says many things about LOVE: Love your enemies, LOVE is the greatest of all, LOVE them so they can see that God Loves them. We should be praying for our nation, we should be praying for our state, we should be praying for our leaders, we should be praying for our neighbors, we should be praying for each other.  So take this as you want....I will keep my politics at home and will keep my choices to myself....I will lean on the Lord so he can help lead my life in the direction its needed to go. 

Our Wild Ride in Life this week

Wow what a week its been for me.  My emotions have been on high alert between kids, scouts and life in general.  It all started on Sunday with a call there was a major fire about 20 miles outside North of town and our town was downwind of this fire.  My mind and nerves starting going crazy over all of the what ifs....you know those crazy things that come into your mind that just drive you to the edge to make you want to jump off not knowing whats below.  Thank goodness Dennis unknowingly picked up on my stress and we talked about all the things that could happen and what we would do if it did happen.  This really put my mind at ease ( is it sad to say I kinda dreamed about my dream kitchen if my house had burned?) Well thanks to our Fire fighters they finally got the fire out on Wednesday.  We are so thankful to our Firefighters and all the work they have done!
I am slowly on the downhill slide of the emotional roller coaster!
Tomorrow is a major fundraiser for our Boyscout troop. We are raising our funds so we can go to our High Adventure Camp next June. Its 650 a person so if you don't buy any of our fundraiser but want to help send someone to camp let me know.  We take all donations. :)
I know that while the kids really aren't doing anything to get on my nerves they are on my nerves.  Their grades are great for this first progress report.  They are handling school better this year that last.  They have great friends and great support from so many people and for this I am thankful!  Its nothing the kids have done really its just me and my roller coaster :)  They have just learned to stand back when mom gets stressed. Or depressed.
I fight depression on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others.  I am no longer taking most of my medicine and I seem to be doing alright.  Sure I have some days that I am really down but those days are few and far between than what they used to be.  I certainly have more up days than down and that I thank the Lord for!
Oh....on a good note..... Dennis and I made hula hoops and we have doing a hula hoop challenge where we hoop it up for 30 minutes a day every day during the month of September.  I am not very good but I really enjoy the memories that we are making with the kids and each other! Not to mention it is serious exercise....By the end of my 30 minutes I have sweat dripping in places that does not usually have sweat dripping!  Thanks Christine Moers for all the help and encouragement!
Sorry about the randomness of this blog....trying to hit all that is on my mind in one blog not 3....:)

Jen

Its been a while

Well its been a while since I have posted anything.  I sit and think of all things I could/should talk about but just not sure still what I will say. So I think I will talk about hula hoops! You know those little pink ones with noise makers inside that swirl when your doing something right. Well guess what....those are for kids not for adults.  No matter how hard a normal adult tries, it just really wont work. However, thanks to our friend Christine Moers we have learned how to make hula hoops.  Also thanks to her Dennis and I will be doing a 30 minutes a day for 30 days challenge.  We will be making our own hoops this weekend.  She posted a  video from YouTube that even shows you how.  Dennis and I went and pickup the pieces to make them yesterday while in Austin. I am looking forward to getting them put together this weekend! I hope that I can figure out how to post pictures here on the blog over the weekend. We are going to be taking them with us everywhere we go, Killeen, New Orleans.  We will be taking pictures and posting as we "Hoop It Up" in town and out of town.
I am sure its going to give us all a great laugh as we are starting out but its going to be a lot of fun.
Lots of Laughs and Love--
Jen
To the world, you are one person, to one person, you are the world!

The Aftermath

Well its day 4 after my surgery.  While I am still healing I am getting better.  This surgery though a a bit hard on the doctors, and on my body.  To give you an idea on how it went : if the Dr had known me well she would have known I am the 1% of 1% that if its going to go wrong it will.  And it did.  We got to the hospital at 545 on Tuesday morning, they got me to the back started my IV. Met with all the Dr's I needed to before they started.  Last thing I remember is giving my hubby a kiss and being wheeled out of recovery.  About 6 hours later I remember being wiggled and being told Mrs. Nesser you need to breath deeply ....Come on Mrs Nesser you can do this....This though is pretty normal for me, I suffer from Sleep Apnea when I am under general Anesthesia's. The monitor showing my oxygen level often goes under 90 % when I am coming out of any surgery.  I got moved to my room and had a pain pump for me to use as needed, however each and every time I would push the button my oxygen level would drop and I would have to will myself to breath deeply.  Tuesday night came and went with the nursing staff interrupting my sleep every hour to "check on me" Why does that have to include turning on some bright light to see the machines that are all back lit up?? Just saying.  Wednesday morning came with the Dr coming in and asking me how I was doing.  I thought I was doing good so she proceeded to tell me about my surgery.  She said that almost the minute I got in the surgery room my IV blew and they quickly had to find another one in any place they could find one. ( I was well asleep by then) They begin to hook me up to the DeVinci machine and cant get through.  The Dr said inside I was nothing but a wall of adhesion's. She had expected to see a few with 2 c sections, opened appendix surgery(pre orthosopic) and then gallbladder.  What she found was my uterus, bladder and abdominal wall stuck together with scar tissue.  She had to cut apart my bladder from my uterus and my uterus from  my ab wall before it could be removed.  This 3 hour procedure turned into a 5 hour procedure.  Apparently the Anesthesiologist had a huge sigh of relief when it was all over with because I was having complication while under. I don't know what was happening just know he was glad it was over! She also said that after I heal from this I will have to go  back into the hospital for a bladder sling since she had to detach it from everything it was touching. So another surgery in September.
After this discussion she decided to take my pain pump out so she could "adjust my oral medicine to see which one will be best for me" So pain pump out I go from a pain scale of 3 to 10 in about an hour. Telling the nurse this is NOT working I need something now.  They bring in the good stuff which makes me develop the "narcotic itch" which is when randomly I start itching on my body and I HAVE to scratch it.  Could be on my cheek one second, my hand the next or leg...Just random itching. I didn't care I just wanted to NOT hurt. We finally got most of the pain taken care of however my back starting hurting.  Dr said its common after this surgery for backs to hurt.  The Dr said she would be come back sometime Wednesday night between 5 and6p to see how I was doing.  After getting started on the Vicodin Dennis and I would start our walking the halls.  They wanted me walking and going potty before they would even think about me going home. I walked about 5 times through out the day and yes it took sometime but my bladder did start working. The Dr showed back up at aroun6ish and said she thought I would be good to go home.  However the paperwork took them 3 hours to write up, so I finally got out around 930 and living over an hour away we had to take a break somewhere along the way. I was finally in my chair to sleep at around 1130.  Wednesday night went OK, pain medicine worked OK except for my back.  Thursday and Friday both went OK, back still hurt.  Sat so far has been OK, no pain medicine yet except for Advil.  However the back is still killing me.  We even had a massage therapist come yesterday and rub on me for an hour to try to get me some relief.  I am still taking it real easy, Dennis and the boys are taking great care of me. Just pray for me this recovery is going to be long and even though my body might feel better I am still pretty restricted on what I can do for 6 weeks. IF you have an extra moment and don't mind me being slow come by to visit or lets go to lunch.  I cant drive but would still love to get out of the house for a bit. Just call, email or face book me.

Surgery

   As some of you know I will be have major surgery, a hysterectomy.  Part of me has been very excited about it but part of me is scared and sad about it. They have found a cyst that is located both on the inside and outside of my uterus and they know its at least the size of a tangelo but it could be bigger once they get in there.  I have had menstrual issues for years.  Heavy bleeding, long painful cycles, sometimes on cycles more than I am not.  So it is time.  I have really prayed about it over the years...I want it to be Gods will, not just my own. 
   My struggle with it though is thinking about my children, my 4 children that have been in my womb, 3 who have been born and one who is my Angel in Heaven.  I love and am crazy about my boys here at home but my heart ofter struggles with that little one whom I have never seen in person! The one that God gave me dreamlike glance at, who is up there with Him, with her red bouncy pigtails, and crooked smile that I have imagined in my head my times over.  If fact I am so sure it was A girl I remember once being in a store in Salado where they had porcelain dolls in it and there was a curly red headed baby doll that made me break down for over an hour.  I remember going and talking to the store owner about Mikayla and she took me over to a rocking chair and let me hold and coddle that doll for as long as I needed to.  God really gave me peace over it.  Sure I still wonder and cry over the fact she would have been 12 April 1st.  I know sometimes I see little girls and just want to love and hug on them.  I know when I am battling a depression kind of day she is who the Devil puts in my mind to play tricks on me with the what ifs game. 
   This is when I cry then step back and look at the boys he did put here on Earth with me!  I have my oldest Garon who is 18 (a month away from being 19, I have Dalton who is 14(2 months from being 15), and Wyatt 11(1 month from12) and add in one more via marriage DW, 15 whom might not be "mine from within but is just one of my boys"  I look at them and think Man, God is so good.  I often hear people say"God has a special place for moms of all boys!"  I sometimes wonder, but I think its just because he is a father to his own son Jesus.  He watched over Mary and Joseph as they raised his son.  To watch him become the Man he always knew he would become.  Its a proud day when we here on earth get to tell our children"I am Proud in what you have become!"  I imagine what it was like the day that Jesus heard that from him Heavenly Father.
   So why all this over  hysterectomy well this is where my babies lived and died.  They are a part of me, this is going to remove this part.  I know its for the best, I know it will help me feel better, I know....I know....I know.  This is my choice and I will live with this choice that this could be something more serious , I will make this choice so that I am still here for when my boys get a lot older and marry , I will see my daughter in laws(whom I have prayed over since my boys were babies) and for any future grandchildren.  Dennis and I often talk about one of these day blah blah blah...And I want "one of these days" to happen...I want to be the most "awesomeness" mother in laws, I want to the greatest Granny, and I cant wait to see what God has planned for Dennis and I when our boys all grow up....The subject of our boys is a whole other post...There many struggles there to.  So just send your prayers to me July 19th as I start an new stage in my life.  I will continue to Pray for Gods guidance and that HIS will be made known. 
God Bless J
To the world, you are one person, but to one person, you are the world!

Taking the time

So after having a week by myself(minus the oldest one being home when he wasn't working), I have decided that Dennis and I need some time together, just the two of us.  Its that time of year when all the other boys are at their other parents house for summertime.  This is the first time that Garon isn't going on a Mission Trip in July where Dennis and I get a week without anyone but ourselves at home.  This year Dennis and Garon are going on a hiking right of passage camp in July to the Continental Divide in Colorado.
So I am sending off Garon to his Grandparents/Aunts House for a few days.  We, Dennis and I, to keep our marriage strong know that sometimes we have to take time alone without kids to keep our marriage going strong.  This year has been a monumental for us.  We celebrated 5 years married on June 3, 2011. We want to have many more years together and since we are both divorced previously and chose to remarry and have a blended family, its very easy to become another statistic.  We know that we have to keep God in the middle and then actively work on our marriage.  To work on it we MUST and DO take time to be together alone with no kids from time to time.
So what are we going to do this year? WE usually go to a B&B that our computers and cell phones don't work so well, but with him being gone last week for Scout camp he cant take 2 weeks off from his business, I hope that we can at least get away for a day or two to just chill and relax with no TV. I will take whatever little bit of time we can get together.  I love my children, but to be a great mother I must be a great wife to my wonderful hubby! So at the end of the month we will have a few days alone with NOT one kid around! YEAHHHHHHH! So don't call or come by unannounced we may or may not be here or might just not answer!
J
To the world, you are one person, to one person, you are the world!