Surgery

   As some of you know I will be have major surgery, a hysterectomy.  Part of me has been very excited about it but part of me is scared and sad about it. They have found a cyst that is located both on the inside and outside of my uterus and they know its at least the size of a tangelo but it could be bigger once they get in there.  I have had menstrual issues for years.  Heavy bleeding, long painful cycles, sometimes on cycles more than I am not.  So it is time.  I have really prayed about it over the years...I want it to be Gods will, not just my own. 
   My struggle with it though is thinking about my children, my 4 children that have been in my womb, 3 who have been born and one who is my Angel in Heaven.  I love and am crazy about my boys here at home but my heart ofter struggles with that little one whom I have never seen in person! The one that God gave me dreamlike glance at, who is up there with Him, with her red bouncy pigtails, and crooked smile that I have imagined in my head my times over.  If fact I am so sure it was A girl I remember once being in a store in Salado where they had porcelain dolls in it and there was a curly red headed baby doll that made me break down for over an hour.  I remember going and talking to the store owner about Mikayla and she took me over to a rocking chair and let me hold and coddle that doll for as long as I needed to.  God really gave me peace over it.  Sure I still wonder and cry over the fact she would have been 12 April 1st.  I know sometimes I see little girls and just want to love and hug on them.  I know when I am battling a depression kind of day she is who the Devil puts in my mind to play tricks on me with the what ifs game. 
   This is when I cry then step back and look at the boys he did put here on Earth with me!  I have my oldest Garon who is 18 (a month away from being 19, I have Dalton who is 14(2 months from being 15), and Wyatt 11(1 month from12) and add in one more via marriage DW, 15 whom might not be "mine from within but is just one of my boys"  I look at them and think Man, God is so good.  I often hear people say"God has a special place for moms of all boys!"  I sometimes wonder, but I think its just because he is a father to his own son Jesus.  He watched over Mary and Joseph as they raised his son.  To watch him become the Man he always knew he would become.  Its a proud day when we here on earth get to tell our children"I am Proud in what you have become!"  I imagine what it was like the day that Jesus heard that from him Heavenly Father.
   So why all this over  hysterectomy well this is where my babies lived and died.  They are a part of me, this is going to remove this part.  I know its for the best, I know it will help me feel better, I know....I know....I know.  This is my choice and I will live with this choice that this could be something more serious , I will make this choice so that I am still here for when my boys get a lot older and marry , I will see my daughter in laws(whom I have prayed over since my boys were babies) and for any future grandchildren.  Dennis and I often talk about one of these day blah blah blah...And I want "one of these days" to happen...I want to be the most "awesomeness" mother in laws, I want to the greatest Granny, and I cant wait to see what God has planned for Dennis and I when our boys all grow up....The subject of our boys is a whole other post...There many struggles there to.  So just send your prayers to me July 19th as I start an new stage in my life.  I will continue to Pray for Gods guidance and that HIS will be made known. 
God Bless J
To the world, you are one person, but to one person, you are the world!